Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
