We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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