Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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