So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
