Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
