she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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