Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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