So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
