tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rumble strips road head = magical
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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