He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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