i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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