and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
