so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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