I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
