Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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