how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
