Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
