When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
