i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
