Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
