Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
