This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
