By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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