so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
