you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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