Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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