My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
