I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
