being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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