I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
