Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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