i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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