went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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