this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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