hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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