She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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