How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
