someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
