Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
