just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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