Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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