I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
