The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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