I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
