letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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