K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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