well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
