Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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