god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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