your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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