My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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