i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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