he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
