i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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