Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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